Unwarranted

Earlier in the summer I took some friends on a road trip to my favorite spot to visit down south in the wildlife reservation. It was spontaneous and unguided, we were free and wild and at the mercy of whatever elements may wish to harm us. It's one of those things kids do, one of those things I used to read about, daydream about, just because college day trips with the purpose of photography and poetry and spontaneity are one of those experiences. Like modern beatniks we roamed, dressed in clothes not meant for hiking while sweat rolled down our cheeks as we howled "we are other" in our shared solitude among fields of golden wheat. 

Please laugh at how horrifically hip that last paragraph was. 
I've had it sitting in my stash for like a week. The rest is even worse, believe me. It's about how I don't really know those people the way I'd like to (as friends) and I'm sure I'll lose track of them entirely before too long despite the fact that we went on this radical life-experiencing journey together and I messed up my sweet ride doing it (Crab Car lost a wheel and now she wobbles whenever I go past 45 mph (no more drag racing)). 
Like, do I really know anyone?
Do I mind? Does that make me a stand-offish dick?
They may go on their way, soon forgetting me while I store those memories at the back of my mind where they continue by my side as ghosts. Maybe I even like it that way. Who knows! That just seems like such a lonely way to exist. 

But then I realized that all of that was over-dramatic, that I do have a number of good friends who I have known for many years even though a few of them rely on me way more than they should considering my level of detachment (again, that's probably an over-dramatization of my shortcomings (the fact that I ever feel "unworthy" of people's friendship is such nonsense, I laugh)). But THE POINT IS, I'm fairly certain that a generous portion of that is all quite natural. We keep a friend or two here and there, but usually people meet, have fun, then grow apart after a while. People change. It's cool. 

It's hard though. Sometimes it sucks, especially when you don't notice how much you valued someone's friendship until you just don't talk to them anymore. I've never had an actual falling out, it seems like it would suck too, but it's certainly quicker (unless you can't let go). Things like that make life confusing, but also interesting like a door that's locked but has peep holes cleverly drilled in it through which one might catch glimpses of nude human emotions. 
So scandalous.